This week I had another of my all-too frequent reminders of my wafer-thin mortality. Even with so many things wrong with me, it’s amazing how my problems seem to fade into the background between specialist appointments – not that I’m not constantly aware that I have them but against the backdrop of my busy life it’s easier to relegate them to the “not a problem yet/deal with later” bucket.
I spent yesterday in hospital having a procedure for 2 different types of gynaecological precancer I have developed – a rather rude byproduct of having spent the last few years on various forms of immunotherapy. I feel ashamed of it, like it’s my dirty secret, even though logically I know I shouldn’t. While my closest friends know, some friends only know bits and pieces and most people don’t know at all. For anyone that comments on my absence this week at work, I asked that my boss tell them I had a “procedure” but nothing more. So perhaps this blog post is me in a tiny way acknowledging out loud that this is happening to me. Even though I wish people didn’t know and that it would all just go away.
This was my second time round having the procedure so I was hopeful that today would also be the last, but this does not seem to be the case. My gynecologic oncologist (also my surgeon) came to see how I was doing before I was wheeled into theatre and I said to him that he better obliterate every single precancerous cell because I’m not coming back in (pretty please), to which he responded he would do his best… but it likely wouldn’t be enough. He could well have destroyed every last precancerous cell in my body yesterday but as long as I am on immunotherapy (forever unless someone cures MS) it will probably keep coming back.
Bizarrely I am not too upset by this – laser/LLETZ is nothing compared to actual cancer treatment. I’m sure I will feel differently if I actually start getting parts cut out (like my cervix) which my doctor suggested may be a slight possibility further down the line. To that end, he recommended in the least foreboding way possible that it would be better for me to have children sooner rather than later, just incase.
Ha. Hahaha. That fills me with more dread than any surgery. I love children and I have always wanted a family, but not now at 23. Or anytime soon really. There’s a lack of partner too – which is probably a problem. I came out of a long-term relationship earlier this year and have no desire to enter a new one for some time – I want to live overseas and focus on my career and myself and my health for a while.
So if anyone knows any good men they want to throw my way – looks like I might be in need of one! I’ll put them on lay-by thanks, for pick-up in a few years.